I was sent a free paperback copy of The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from Thomas Nelson Publishers.
I usually stay away from parenting books because they seem like they are written by psychologists who don't have kids of their own. Many of the ideas seem good in theory, but, in practice, are complicated and seem illogical. Plus, there are so many different styles of parenting books out there that it's hard to know which ones to choose. The best parenting advice I've gotten over the years has been from older women and it's always been encouraging, not critical. Books that make a parent feel like they've done something wrong are taking the wrong approach, in my opinion. Parenting is a process and it's not one size fits all. This book assumes the reader knows this and focuses on what they call heart-based strategies. A heart based strategy is a method used by parents or by an individual to filter a situation and do the right thing regardless of the outcome or an external reward. So many children are taught to do things for an external reward (an allowance, a good grade, a trophy etc.) and while these things are nice, you will quickly have a child who asks, "what's in it for me?" if he is rewarded each time he does something the authority figure considers positive. Training a child is not like training a puppy; you've got to go a little deeper than just obedience. You do this by building internal motivation and, as a parent, not giving into manipulation. The authors focus on teaching your child not to be a whiner, and, instead, to be a problem solver. On page 149 it states:
Problems make great opportunities to teach children to face life's challenges. There are two kinds of people in the world: solvers and whiners. Whiners complain about life, feel like victims, and believe that others cause their problems. If others would just change, then they'd be happy. Until then, they'll just whine about life.
The authors go on to say:
If kids do the right thing but grumble and complain, then you have a problem. It's not good enough to do what's right if your heart is in the wrong place. That's why you'll want to discipline for bad attitudes. Unfortunately, some parents excuse bad attitudes in their children. We've all heard the excuses.
"He'll grow out of it."
"She's so cute."
"At least she's doing what I asked."
"He's tired."
etc.
Each of these is an excuse for not disciplining and often represents a missed opportunity to teach or direct a child on a deeper lever. Remember, you're aren't just trying to help children change on the outside to develop a nice, pleasant behavior. You're trying to help your children change their hearts.
If this sounds like you, I think you'd like this book. It's fairly dense, and a little harsh at times, but I think it's an honest look at what most people do with their kids and why it doesn't work. But, mainly, it's a good book because it offers easy strategies to change things that may not be working. A simple example from the book describes a child (a whiner) stomping around shouting, "Mom, where are my boots?" The change the authors suggest is to tell the child to say, "Mom, I can't find my boots, would you help me look for them?" This small modification moves the child from whiner to solver. Pretty easy and straight forward. If you like this approach, you'll enjoy this book.
Finally, I wanted to share the chart on page 196. This chart goes back to my original statement that I prefer advice that's encouraging rather than critical. It's important to identify positive qualities in your children and praise them, BUT these qualities can be misused and mutate into traits that are annoying. This is actually a great chart for everyone, not just kids. Here it is:
The positive quality, if misused can become --
analytical skill -- picky, petty, critical
confidence -- prideful, bossy, insensitive, overconfident, determined to always be the leader
contentedness -- unmotivated, apathetic, lazy
courage -- reckless, foolish, incapable of seeing the consequences of actions
creativity -- deceptive, manipulative, mischievous, prone to always have a better way
determination -- hardheaded, stubborn, obstinate, argumentative, badgering
efficiency -- slow to obey, inflexible, demanding, insistent on having things a certain way
enthusiasm -- intense, insensitive, fanatical, extreme, a thrill-seeker
expressiveness -- talkative, wordy, dominating in conversation, a poor listener
neatness -- perfectionist, inflexible, unwilling to share
I love this chart! It makes you look at a quality that might be annoying (like someone being a poor listener) and recognizing that they are, in fact, expressive, and that this is their gift. It makes you focus on the positive rather than the negative. This is a great strategy to use as a parent if your child is demonstrating a behavior that you'd like to adjust. The authors remind the reader of the apostle Paul who saw that people all have different gifts and that they have a tendency to minimize the importance of others' qualities. So he gave us advice in Romans 12: 6-8. Like Paul, spend time admiring your child's strengths and help him foster positive beliefs about himself because it will form the way he acts and develops.
For example, let's say you have a cranky teenager and he's getting on your nerves, instead of saying something to your child that would hurt his feelings you can say this:
"Son, you're an emotional person. I think God gave you an extra scoop of emotions when he designed you. I know you're trying to work on your anger control right now, but I just want you to know that I admire your emotional sensitivity. You're the kind of person that livens up a party and who can see a problem developing before others because of the emotional cues. I like that. You do very well, and God is going to use that in your life in some powerful ways, I'm sure."
I liked this book and found some valuable information in it. I'm giving it 5 our of 5 stars and this is coming from someone who doesn't like to read parenting books!
If this sounds like you, I think you'd like this book. It's fairly dense, and a little harsh at times, but I think it's an honest look at what most people do with their kids and why it doesn't work. But, mainly, it's a good book because it offers easy strategies to change things that may not be working. A simple example from the book describes a child (a whiner) stomping around shouting, "Mom, where are my boots?" The change the authors suggest is to tell the child to say, "Mom, I can't find my boots, would you help me look for them?" This small modification moves the child from whiner to solver. Pretty easy and straight forward. If you like this approach, you'll enjoy this book.
Finally, I wanted to share the chart on page 196. This chart goes back to my original statement that I prefer advice that's encouraging rather than critical. It's important to identify positive qualities in your children and praise them, BUT these qualities can be misused and mutate into traits that are annoying. This is actually a great chart for everyone, not just kids. Here it is:
The positive quality, if misused can become --
analytical skill -- picky, petty, critical
confidence -- prideful, bossy, insensitive, overconfident, determined to always be the leader
contentedness -- unmotivated, apathetic, lazy
courage -- reckless, foolish, incapable of seeing the consequences of actions
creativity -- deceptive, manipulative, mischievous, prone to always have a better way
determination -- hardheaded, stubborn, obstinate, argumentative, badgering
efficiency -- slow to obey, inflexible, demanding, insistent on having things a certain way
enthusiasm -- intense, insensitive, fanatical, extreme, a thrill-seeker
expressiveness -- talkative, wordy, dominating in conversation, a poor listener
neatness -- perfectionist, inflexible, unwilling to share
I love this chart! It makes you look at a quality that might be annoying (like someone being a poor listener) and recognizing that they are, in fact, expressive, and that this is their gift. It makes you focus on the positive rather than the negative. This is a great strategy to use as a parent if your child is demonstrating a behavior that you'd like to adjust. The authors remind the reader of the apostle Paul who saw that people all have different gifts and that they have a tendency to minimize the importance of others' qualities. So he gave us advice in Romans 12: 6-8. Like Paul, spend time admiring your child's strengths and help him foster positive beliefs about himself because it will form the way he acts and develops.
For example, let's say you have a cranky teenager and he's getting on your nerves, instead of saying something to your child that would hurt his feelings you can say this:
"Son, you're an emotional person. I think God gave you an extra scoop of emotions when he designed you. I know you're trying to work on your anger control right now, but I just want you to know that I admire your emotional sensitivity. You're the kind of person that livens up a party and who can see a problem developing before others because of the emotional cues. I like that. You do very well, and God is going to use that in your life in some powerful ways, I'm sure."
I liked this book and found some valuable information in it. I'm giving it 5 our of 5 stars and this is coming from someone who doesn't like to read parenting books!
